Question Four

Lilly Daché’s Glamour Book

Glamour Test – Question Four

“Have you laid out a program to improve those bad points?”

Well, for the dry ends I’m going with a coconut oil hair mask twice a week and I’m going to try to limit the use of my blow dryer. The rest of it isn’t really as easy…

I’ve always kept myself at a distance from other people, even the one’s I love. That’s where it’s safe. Back where you can see the crazy coming and you can get out of the way. But going into this last relationship I promised myself that I would drop my walls, open up my life, and put my heart out there.  And I actually did it. Though dates would pick me up, this was the first man I’d let stay in my home with me.  This was the first man that I let meet my dog. This was the first man I introduced to all of my friends. This was the first man I allowed pictures of on my Facebook page. And this was the first man, since my divorce, that I introduced to my family.

It wasn’t that I hadn’t dated much. I had. A lot, but I always kept that wall up and didn’t allow myself to get too close.

I didn’t tell him that these were firsts for me. I didn’t tell him how hard I was trying to make this different. I didn’t tell him how special I thought he was, and how tough this all was for me. But it turns out that perhaps I should have. Maybe then he might have understood…understood how incredibly vulnerable it all made me feel. I got really, really afraid and when I got scared, or felt unsafe or like things were out of control, I would get angry with him.  This had absolutely never happened to me before, and it made me feel horrible. I know it doesn’t make sense. I can only compare it to this. Remember when you were a kid and you would do something that really terrified your parent…disappearing in a store or running across a busy street without looking. They felt scared and helpless and so afraid of losing you that when they finally realized that you were okay, they were furious at you for scaring them.

That’s what I learned about myself.  Where relationships are concerned, I spook easily. And it’s really tempting to just build those walls back up and blame others and push people away. But in the same way that I promised myself that I would try to make this relationship different, I had to promise myself that I would also make this breakup different. No anger, full accountability for my mistakes. Defenses down, heart open.  No matter what.

And so what is my program for improving my bad points? It’s to somehow find a way to learn to exist comfortably in this vulnerable place until it finally feels normal. That’s what this blog is for me…an exercise in vulnerability.  Right now it feels raw and really uncomfortable. But my hope is, that if I just keep living with my walls down, eventually, if I’m lucky, I will find that I won’t want them anymore.

Two points.