Only lazy ones...

Question Six

 

Lilly Daché’s Glamour Book

Glamour Test – Question Six
 

“Are you making an effort to correct the things that you know need improvement

 

 

In my Personal Report Card I had several areas that I felt needed improvement…my muscle tone, my posture, my animated facial expressions, which includes a lot of eye rolling, and my excessive use of curse words.(Those two actually go hand in hand, cause who doesn’t like to roll their eyes and swear at the same time???)

I really like cursing. I’ve even heard that people who swear are more trustworthy than people who don’t. That’s probably because we’re such great communicators! I work in a corporate environment now, which is new for me. I’ve always worked in creative jobs in small, mostly family owned companies, so I was used to saying whatever I wanted…as colorfully as I wanted. But since I’d like to be viewed as relatively professional and lady like, I’ve decided it’s time to tone it down. I thought it would be a good idea to keep a swear jar on my desk and I asked all of my work friends to hold me accountable. The thing is I run with the rowdy kids. They think the whole thing is hilarious. They all swear so much themselves that they don’t even notice it if I do. I had one friend who couldn’t grasp the concept. “What do you mean? I have to give you a quarter every time you swear?” Then he muttered something like “F*%k that s#@t!” and walked away.

That left me to hold myself accountable. I’ve been doing it for a couple of days now. I have $5.25 in my jar so far. That’s 21 curse words, in case you were wondering. But $2.25 of that came from Happy Hour. What can I say? I have cocktails and I feel things deeply.

 So that leaves the muscle tone and posture thing. I think I can knock out both of those issues with yoga. Also maybe it will make me calm, and maybe if I’m calm I won’t feel like rolling my eyes and dropping the F Bomb all the time. Win!  

Two points.

Question Five

Lilly Daché’s Glamour Book

Glamour Test – Question Five

“Have you made out your personal report card honestly and objectively, grading yourself on figure, posture, skin, hair, eyes, expression, grooming, makeup, clothes, and general appearance?”

 

 

This is the Personal Report Card that I filled out for myself when I was 13 years old. I found it in the back of my Lilly Daché’s Glamour Book. First it made me laugh and then I realized that if I was going to fill out a report card for myself today, the scores wouldn’t look much different than this. Way to progress, Shay.

Skin:  I’d still give myself an 80 on my skin. At 13 the issue was the occasional blemish. Now the issue is the dreaded fine line. I’m also paler than I’d like to be and I tend turn pink in the sun. Thankfully however, God has gifted us with a miracle called a spray tan! It’s one of my absolute favorite things. Okay, I actually hate it when I’m doing it.  It’s cold and it gets in my ears and I sometimes forget to turn when I’m supposed to, but miraculously…even if I spray my front twice cause I wasn’t paying attention…it all seems to work out okay, and eight hours later I look like I just got back from a vacation in Mexico!

Hair:  I’d still go 90. After the horrible perm grew out, it turned out I had really good hair. In fact, I won best hair my junior year. Which I thought was totally fair since I had been teased so horribly for my hair not three years earlier. My senior year I was beat out by a new girl who transferred in. Her name was Marnie. I still resent her. But anyway… My hair is good. It’s like Quick Curl Barbie hair. It will do anything I ask, but I’m deducting the 10 points cause, like I said, the ends are dry. Also, it will only get to a certain length and then it won’t grow any further. Drives me crazy.

Eyes:  Previous score 90. I’d go 80 on this now. I have that fine line issue, but they’re still clear and blue and I can see out of them, so there’s that.

Muscle Tone:  Gave myself a 60 then. Give myself a 60 now. Fail. Bummer. I’ll have to work on that.

Hands:    I gave myself a 75 when I was 13. At that point I was following a manicure How To guide that I’d ripped out of Seventeen Magazine and I loved to paint them this light frosted pink. I’d go 85 now. I like to get my nails done regularly, and thanks to the magic of the Gel manicure they stay pretty for about two weeks at a time. I always get the same color…Big Apple Red. 

Posture:   I gave myself a 75 originally. I’d go 70 now. I mean I’m upright, but I catch myself slouching all the time. I’m gonna need to work on this one too.

Makeup:   I find it amazing that I gave myself an 80 on this at 13. I barely wore makeup then and knew nothing about applying it. My mom wasn’t big on beauty tutorials so I went to the cosmetic counter at the mall to learn how to put on eyes shadow…which was purple by the way. It’s scary but I think I used frosted green at one point too. I’m a neutral girl now, and I love a red lip. I guess I’ll just give myself an 80. It’s non offensive.

Grooming:  Gave myself an 80 then, and I’d give myself an 80 now. I’m not ashamed to say that there are days…sometimes whole weekends…where I stay in my yoga pants and T-shirt. I also love a messy bun, and I don’t always put on makeup when I run out to do an errand. No one is perfect.

Expression:  I’m not exactly sure what Lilly is going for here. My 13 year old self scored this at a 75. I guess I’d say the same. I have one of those expressive faces…the kind that doesn’t hide its emotion well. I also tend to be over animated. Plus I roll my eyes a lot. I’ll work on this one too.

General Attractiveness:  I kind of can’t believe that I gave myself an 80-90 back then. I just remember being so awkward and weirdly dressed. I felt like all the other girls knew exactly what to do and that somehow I’d missed the class on that.  I must have been feeling optimistic that day. I’m just going to average out my numbers, which gives me a 77%. Not bad, but room for improvement.

Best Points: At 13 I thought my best points were my hair, eyes, skin and makeup. I’d probably say the same now, but I don’t really think makeup can be a best point.

Worst Points: Muscle tone and posture. Again, I’d go with that.

So what do I need to work on here? My facial expressions...try not to let everything I think and feel show on my face and try to stop the eye rolling. My posture and my muscle tone.  I’m also going to work on another issue not addressed here. My exuberant self expression…aka, cursing like a truck driver. Those are the big ones, but I think I can use an overall refining in every area. This glamour thing is not for the weak or the lazy. Being schlumpy is way easier.

Two points.

 

Question Four

Lilly Daché’s Glamour Book

Glamour Test – Question Four

“Have you laid out a program to improve those bad points?”

Well, for the dry ends I’m going with a coconut oil hair mask twice a week and I’m going to try to limit the use of my blow dryer. The rest of it isn’t really as easy…

I’ve always kept myself at a distance from other people, even the one’s I love. That’s where it’s safe. Back where you can see the crazy coming and you can get out of the way. But going into this last relationship I promised myself that I would drop my walls, open up my life, and put my heart out there.  And I actually did it. Though dates would pick me up, this was the first man I’d let stay in my home with me.  This was the first man that I let meet my dog. This was the first man I introduced to all of my friends. This was the first man I allowed pictures of on my Facebook page. And this was the first man, since my divorce, that I introduced to my family.

It wasn’t that I hadn’t dated much. I had. A lot, but I always kept that wall up and didn’t allow myself to get too close.

I didn’t tell him that these were firsts for me. I didn’t tell him how hard I was trying to make this different. I didn’t tell him how special I thought he was, and how tough this all was for me. But it turns out that perhaps I should have. Maybe then he might have understood…understood how incredibly vulnerable it all made me feel. I got really, really afraid and when I got scared, or felt unsafe or like things were out of control, I would get angry with him.  This had absolutely never happened to me before, and it made me feel horrible. I know it doesn’t make sense. I can only compare it to this. Remember when you were a kid and you would do something that really terrified your parent…disappearing in a store or running across a busy street without looking. They felt scared and helpless and so afraid of losing you that when they finally realized that you were okay, they were furious at you for scaring them.

That’s what I learned about myself.  Where relationships are concerned, I spook easily. And it’s really tempting to just build those walls back up and blame others and push people away. But in the same way that I promised myself that I would try to make this relationship different, I had to promise myself that I would also make this breakup different. No anger, full accountability for my mistakes. Defenses down, heart open.  No matter what.

And so what is my program for improving my bad points? It’s to somehow find a way to learn to exist comfortably in this vulnerable place until it finally feels normal. That’s what this blog is for me…an exercise in vulnerability.  Right now it feels raw and really uncomfortable. But my hope is, that if I just keep living with my walls down, eventually, if I’m lucky, I will find that I won’t want them anymore.

Two points.
 

Question Three

Lilly Dache’s Glamour Book

Glamour Test – Question Three

“Have you made another list of the points about you that need improvement?”

I’m sure what Lilly is going for here is something like “My skin could be clearer.” or “My posture could be better.” And there are things about my appearance I would like to improve. But to be honest, the whiteness of my teeth or the fact that my hair tends to get dry on the ends are not the things that keep me up at night.

I’ve spent a lot of time in the last weeks thinking about my life…picking things apart, analyzing actions and intentions, dragging all of the scary bits into the light. It’s been super painful and it’s made me squirm, but I did it because it’s important to me to understand exactly what went wrong. I want to make sure I don’t repeat the same mistakes moving forward into my next relationship. I don’t want to feel this unhappy again.

 So sleepless nights, anxiety, endless hours with a spinning mind and it turns out it’s as simple as this. It’s my fault. All of it. Everything that makes me unhappy with my life boils down to one thing. I will only allow myself so much. …only so much happiness, only so much professional success, only so much financial gain, only so much beauty, and the very saddest of all, only so much love. I have a level that I will allow myself to rise to and then I decide that I don’t deserve more, that I shouldn’t be allowed to be quite so happy, or quite so financially solid, or quite so connected to or loved by another person and I will sabotage my relationships and hold myself back until I feel safe again…Safe in the middle ground where nothing is terribly good or terribly bad. I guess it looks okay from the outside…I’m attractive enough, the job title sounds good, the relationships appear solid. But really I’m making myself small, settling for less than I’m capable of, and pushing love away.

Of course the middle ground isn’t where the happiness is. True happiness, for me, has always been found in those wild moments, those times that I was really nervous but I tried it anyway. The times that I forgot myself and just felt free, the times that I didn’t worry about what other people thought of me and just spoke from my heart, the times I put myself out there, terrified, but really, really alive, the times I allowed myself to love someone absolutely without caring if I would get hurt.

Now what to do with all this? How do I stop putting limits on myself? This I’m still working on. I just know I can’t live this way anymore.

And also, I’m really going to try to work on those dry ends.

Two points.

Question Two

Lilly Daché’s Glamour Book

 Glamour Test – Question 2

 “Have you made an honest list of your best points?”

 This is actually harder than Question One. Why is it more difficult for a woman to discuss her good points than it is to discuss her flaws?

 The other day I was talking to my friend Kandi and I said something along the lines of “I just wish I could be somebody else. That sounds pretty good right now.”

 She looked at me for a minute and said “No you don’t. You’d just have different problems and you wouldn’t have that face or that hair.”

 “Are you saying I’d still have problems but I might be ugly?”

 “Yes. At least now you’re beautiful.”

 So there’s that. Thank you Kandi.

 What else... If I tell someone I’m going to do something I really do it. I’m happy to pick someone up at the airport, even if it means driving around and around in circles. I always take injured birds to the animal hospital, and once for three months, I left food out for some cats that I thought were homeless and then found out that they weren’t…they ate it anyway.  

 I’m good at looking at a situation from another person’s point of view.  This is good because it helps me to be more compassionate. It’s also bad, because if I misspeak or hurt someone’s feelings, I feel absolutely awful. I literally feel their pain. I can’t stand bullies for this reason and if I even get a whiff of animal cruelty I come undone. (I will never, ever forgive you Michael Vick…you asshole.)

 I’m punctual. I make a really great avocado bruschetta. I haven’t gotten a ticket in six years, so I guess that makes me a good driver. I’m a decent baker. I always remember people’s stories (but sometimes forget their names). I’m an excellent present wrapper. I’m adaptable, so I’m equally comfortable at a sketchy dive bar or at high tea at the Ritz Carlton. I’m polite. I’m willing to try new things, even if they scare me. I’m a loyal friend…mess with someone I love and it’s on. Hell, mess with someone I just like, and it’s on. I’ve always been faithful in my relationships and I don’t play games. I’ve never cheated and I’ve never been tempted to. Once I love, I love.

 I think that’s enough…Two points.

Lilly Daché

Lilly Daché at work.

Question One

So things haven’t been so shiny for me lately. I recently found myself doubled over and sobbing in the middle of the street watching the man I thought I might be falling in love with ride away on his motorcycle. Enough said.

 After my best friend sent the “Get over it” text message, I decided to revisit Lilly. She was just sitting there on the nightstand like some lovely, old friend. I thought if she had helped me before, when I was also so sad, perhaps she could help me now.

 Lilly has a lot of great advice in her book. What she also has is a 50 question quiz that she calls her ‘Glamour Test”. You give yourself 2 points for each yes answer and zero points for each no answer. If you get a perfect 100 you’re officially glamorous. Hurray! I feel like if I can just work through it…just get a perfect score…then maybe I’ll stop feeling like the girl left crying in the street and feel like me again. And I really want that…I really do.

 Lilly Daché’s Glamour Book

 Glamour Test – Question 1

 “Have you looked at yourself in the mirror as critically as if you were looking at a stranger?”

 Hmmm…Well Lilly, here’s the deal. Not only have I looked at myself as critically as if I were looking at a stranger, I have looked at myself in a critical way that I would NEVER look at another human being. I think many women are guilty of that.

 Too tall, too pale, too ugly, too dumb, too disorganized, too mean, too poor, too unlovable, too damaged, too boring, too insecure, too lazy, too messy, too outspoken, too blah, blah, blah…plus I’m horrible at math.

 I think, for me, maybe the answer to this question is not how to look at myself more critically, but how to look at myself less critically. How to live with my imperfections?  How to forgive myself for using careless words? How to let myself off the hook for getting angry and scared and forgetting to be kind? How to stop hating myself for hurting someone I truly care about?  Perhaps if I can look at myself more gently I’ll remember that I really am a nice person, that I really do care for others and that I really am gonna be okay.

 The truth is, I hate this already and it’s only question number one. I totally want to stop now, take down the blog and hide. I want to, but I’m not going to.

 Two points.

Lilly Daché's Glamour Book

“I sell glamour.”    Lilly Daché

I was miserable at 13. I was in the eighth grade. I had a really bad perm, was still being dressed by my mother and was being bullied by just about every kid in my middle school. I was growing up in a steel town in Colorado. My parents had just started their own business so I was by myself a lot. I was super lonely. It was just a really crappy year.

I was a big reader and my mom was good about keeping me in a steady supply of books. She loved the library, as did I.  In the spring of that awful year we ended up at the downtown library on a day that they happened to be holding a used book sale. I wandered off on my own and browsed through the big, musty cardboard boxes. I was searching for Nancy Drew books I hadn’t read yet. Shoved in with a bunch of romance novels, I saw a pretty lilac hard back that was missing its dust cover. The color grabbed my attention, but it was the name that sucked me in. It was called Lilly Daché’s Glamour Book.

Glamour was a foreign concept to me. I mean I watched Dynasty and read Seventeen Magazine, but that was all I knew about the subject. To pursue glamour had not occurred to me. That it might be possible for me personally seemed crazy. The book was written in the 1950’s by Lilly Daché, a French hat designer who lived in New York City, and she promised that if I did what she said I too would be glamorous.  I bought it for a quarter.

I poured over every word. I read it too many times to count. Lilly really believed that I could be pretty. She was so kind and lovely and French. She showed me that maybe life didn’t have to be a struggle. Maybe it could be more than just getting by. Maybe it could be vibrant and glittery. Maybe it could include traveling to places like New York and Paris. Maybe it could encompass party dresses and sparkling jewelry and people who treated me well. Maybe, just maybe, if I followed all of her instructions to the letter, did everything she told me to, life could actually be beautiful.

I’d like to say that I was instantly transformed into a glamorous beauty, but that’s a chick flick, not real life. Eventually, though, my perm grew out, I transferred to a new school and made friends, started picking out my own clothes and finally went away to college to study interior design. But what Lilly Daché’s Glamour Book did for me was to open the door of possibility. It showed me that life could be lovely, and sweet, and that there was a world out there that was full of beauty…just waiting for me to join.

I’m a grown woman now. I’ve been to Rome and London and Paris. I’ve seen New York in the spring, summer, winter and fall. I have a closet full of pretty party dresses and armfuls of sparkly jewelry. No one would dare to bully me now. But still, to this day, that little lavender book rests on my nightstand, reminding me that the girl I was still remains deep down inside the woman I’ve become. And it is…without a doubt… the best twenty five cents I’ve ever spent.

Some Other Beginnings End

About six weeks ago the relationship that I was in ended. In and of itself, that was bad enough, but there were some things that happened with him after we parted that left me feeling like I took a sledgehammer to my gut.  I don’t really believe that he meant to hurt me. Sadly I believe the fault originated with me. That, in case you have never experienced it and assuming you have a conscience,  is far worse than being the one who is wronged. I’ve been wronged and there’s a certain grace in it. You have everyone’s sympathy and you can comfortably be angry at the person that did the wronging. If, however, you’re the one who said the hurtful things, the one who went too far, there is only guilt and shame.

 As a kid I never needed to be punished. Once during recess I accidently hit a little boy in the nose with a board. It really was an accident and he was fine, but I cried so hard that the nurse had to call my mother. When she got to the school she found both the little boy and me sitting on the nurses examining table. He had his arm around my shoulder and was comforting me, telling me he was fine and that he knew I didn’t mean to do it, but I was inconsolable. He went back to class and I had to go home.

 So you can imagine my shame spiral knowing that I had hurt this man that I cared so deeply about. I cried every day for six weeks. My life became this circle of work, sleep and tears…red wine too, if I’m going to be completely honest. My friends were as supportive as they could be…I didn’t want to talk about it then, I still don’t want to discuss the details of it now…but even without knowing the particulars they did their best to be there for me.  Finally my best friend, having decided that enough was enough, sent me a text message that said “All right. One more day is all you get. One day in pajamas, in bed, with bad food and worse TV. That’s it. Then you realize how fab you are and that this sucks and that you will rise above it.”

 And while I realized she was right and I wanted to do what she said, I was totally at a loss about how to get back to myself. I just felt, and still feel, so sad. On my nightstand there is a book that I’ve had since I was 13 years old. It’s called Lilly Daché’s Glamour Book. I started leafing through it, and suddenly I thought that if I could just work my way through this book again, if I could just follow all of Lilly’s advice, then maybe I could find my way back to being the woman I was…the confident one, the one that didn’t say the wrong thing and hurt people. Maybe I could even be a little better than I was before. Maybe…

A Bright And Shiny Yellow

When I was a baby my mother would sing this song to me.  It was just a little something that she made up…

Shay, Shay the world ain’t gray

It’s a bright and shiny yellow

Shay, Shay please do stay

Cause I’m your loving fellow

The world ain’t gray

It’s a lovely day

Please stay and have some fun

There are things to do and things that must be done

This song has stuck with me.... just a hope from a mother to her daughter that her life will be blessed and that she will be loved. Unfortunately there have been times when the world has been gray, times that one or the other of us couldn’t stay, days that weren’t so golden. But there’s always this hope…Hope that the gray skies will clear, hope that a loving fellow will come to me, hope that there will be fun.  Mostly though, hope that the world really is the bright and shiny yellow place that my mother wished for me.

The Hard Way

“I have found that glamour is one of the world’s most valuable commodities. With it a woman can get anything she wants in life. Without, she still may achieve a certain success but whatever she gains will be…how do you say it?...the hard way.”   Lilly Daché